Tonight Im really feeling it. Lonely. Id like That One. ‘The romance cliche’.
I love to be single because Im knowing me and what I want now. I know what I deserve.
Tonight Im in tidy mode. Cleaning is like a hobby now. Allows me to think and get it together. Im here now thinking it would be nice…you know to have someone to hold. To love me because I have so much love to give the right guy. But where is HE? In this huge world. Probably fucking Mars. Oh please God after all this shit Please bestow the perfect guy. The perfect romance. Id give everything up..in fact my past gave up Because I truly believe (as my friends & family say. The best is yet to come.. on that note..I can continue to eat crisps in bed..eat chocolate for breakfast and tie my hair up with a thong. Oh single life youre weird and fun…but Id give this up for the one. My One. Hurry the fuck up..hurrryyyyy…im tired..off to bed.
Ive finally booked my holiday. A solo trip..alone..me..myself and I. Too Eygpt…Sharm El Sheik. I settled on a 5 star I want the perfect break away if Im alone for two weeks. It all inclusive and I actually fearful now. 2 weeks ALONE. Wow theres going to be some thinking. Soul searching. I wanted that. Now I’ve forced that. Im scared. Truthfully scared. What have I done..All because my breakup I felt after a 17 year relationship a year of singledom and not living it as I should be I felt time alone would shake things up. Why am I regretting it??? Why when I wanted this break and believed I needed it??
Oh if only it rhymed with text. But this is a solo holiday..me myself and a cocktail or 10. When on holiday..why not? On holiday I can be anyone and on my holisay Im going to be me. Single on a discovery trip. No men no girl companions ( at a later date..of course) and no walk of shame..well lets face it with a frizzy afro like mine I rock the messy dishevelled look daily..So now to decide WHERE. Greece appeals. Been there and its great in May..I like the idea of Mkyonos..but I think I might be wrong but ‘shirley Valentine’ (as in the movie) took her solo break there so let’s not allow tourists and locals to get their violins or mandolins out.
Another Island???? Lets see whats available. .this week yes Im that keen..let you know…
Im all over the place. I just feel lost. Like I need to rediscover me. Who I am? What I want. I always fill my tune helping others and I cant even help myself. I dint know how. I don’t know what I want. I just opened the cupboard and everything fell the cereals a couple of plates and my kitchen a messed. I cant tidy it. I cant do it. Its not me not to but there s no point. Who for?? Nooones coming to visit. I live alone. And I don’t care right now. In fact I want to help make it messier and smash a plate or 10. But I won’t!!! The fact I want to worries me. I need a holiday. Its overdue. A break. A rest. Relax. RELAX. I don’t do that. Not since the break up. I will. I will go to a remote place. A beach. A hideaway. Therefore I have to relax because I will be alone with nowhere but a remote destination. In doing it. Im going. Finding me again….
Last night my dear friend probed me…like a friend should asking why I’m forcing…yes forcing myself to date..It hit me hard. I got tearful cos I know where shes going. My breakup last year blindsided me just when I got my new house after 17 years and was planning a baby with him. I painted a possible nursery. My boyf just took off without warning for a couple of weeks and I got thrown out of my house and my career in a shared business with him. I never knew until his return but he went on a 5 star holiday to Mexico with my friend who I had just employed and got her N.I number. I gave her a new life in the UK from Hungary. She gad a lively room at mine. They both took this holiday together and simply she took away my life. Neither of them apologised. I lost my life and health. Since that day Feb 14 last year I have had issues. I don’t relax I don’t sit down. I cant even sit on my sofa and watch TV. I have anxiety if I stop and think. I don’t deserve to relax I need to rebuild my life all over. I’m 35. It was a shock. I’m still in that situation. I am trying to date now and rush things and find the one. I believe in love still.
Id love the fairytale. Id love kids. A kid. I’m not going to settle for anyone hence Im pushing the dating. But I know. MY FRIENDS know I need to heal. I need a holiday. I need to love me again…
With single life..its you. You are alone to battle the daily woes..bills..problems..work life. .no one at home to talk to about..its just you…when you wake up..its just you..
There may be bonuses..like no one to answer too..do things when you want..where want you want..etc..but maybe thats easier for a different type of person. Perhaps a selfish one..thats not me..
single life is not for me..its not how I would choose to be living. But I don’t want to settle for anyone..I wont I deserve a nice guy..someone to give all my love too..and trust..Im not sure I will ever trust anyone. ANYONE. Im just going to start my to do list..and try do things for me..achieve things meanwhile let true love find its way through fate. I deserve that..wouldnt we all that. A tree love.. fingers (and toes) crossed…