I went on it. Thats a feat in itself. I made enough excuses to cancel dates all year so the fact I went on a date last night is a start. Nice bar and nice cocktails and a not so nice date. I met him in a bar first when he asked me out. I was with a friend and although it wad blatantly obvoius he was into himself he was funny. Yes too laugh at not with but that is better than silent dates where you talk and you get one word responses from your date..AND worse still they think ots going somewhere to warrant date deux..errr NOooooooo.. Well last nights date with slick city lawyer Brad was practically on a date with himself. Surely he would know himself by aged 35. But it seems lije a mid-life crisis looms..I split with my ex when he was 35 and pimping up a range rover sport and taking flying lessons and thinking he was Tom Cruise..I will not go there again.. So you would think Brad knew himself by now and wanted to go on a dare with me. BUT NO. It was all ME ME ME..work, Chicks (I mean who uses that word..Danny Zucko in Grease..er 1980s) Vegas, clubs, he spent Easter weekend in bars and clubs..who does that!!! At 35. Surely 1 hour with family…but no he looked at me like I was mad. He spent time trawling bars with girls wanting him..oh I’ve had my fair share. Basically a male slag which is hardly the criteria for 34 year old me. Yes I’ve to kiss frogs I know but a male slag whereby I know that he has been around…its a kiss I want to avoid for obvious reasons..It was at least 2 hours talking to himself and in that time he contradicted himself so many times that I realise I cant even befriend such a liar. He has a lot to hide I think and quite frankly I don’t want to discover anymore. Brad is definitely the Pitts. Oh date 2 cant be this bad..
Tonight Im really feeling it. Lonely. Id like That One. ‘The romance cliche’.
I love to be single because Im knowing me and what I want now. I know what I deserve.
Tonight Im in tidy mode. Cleaning is like a hobby now. Allows me to think and get it together. Im here now thinking it would be nice…you know to have someone to hold. To love me because I have so much love to give the right guy. But where is HE? In this huge world. Probably fucking Mars. Oh please God after all this shit Please bestow the perfect guy. The perfect romance. Id give everything up..in fact my past gave up Because I truly believe (as my friends & family say. The best is yet to come.. on that note..I can continue to eat crisps in bed..eat chocolate for breakfast and tie my hair up with a thong. Oh single life youre weird and fun…but Id give this up for the one. My One. Hurry the fuck up..hurrryyyyy…im tired..off to bed.
Ive finally booked my holiday. A solo trip..alone..me..myself and I. Too Eygpt…Sharm El Sheik. I settled on a 5 star I want the perfect break away if Im alone for two weeks. It all inclusive and I actually fearful now. 2 weeks ALONE. Wow theres going to be some thinking. Soul searching. I wanted that. Now I’ve forced that. Im scared. Truthfully scared. What have I done..All because my breakup I felt after a 17 year relationship a year of singledom and not living it as I should be I felt time alone would shake things up. Why am I regretting it??? Why when I wanted this break and believed I needed it??
Gee trying book this holiday. As soon as I select and book it informs me that I can book because the holiday is for two…no offers of last minute deals then. Prejudice..I’m single and singled out!!!! What a Travesty. And its Mondays and my local church right in front of me invites EVERYONE and anyone to rings bells in the evening. YES.so you can imagine that..bells ringing out of sync on and off like a drunk priest on one legs. Its nuts!!! Now to make matters worst someone yanking the bells now is trying to yank them down..as bad as it sound I hope it works.that will teach them to let Joe Public play with bells..oh my its stopped. Oh its 9pm it does stop then. ahhh now this damn holiday where am I going???
Oh if only it rhymed with text. But this is a solo holiday..me myself and a cocktail or 10. When on holiday..why not? On holiday I can be anyone and on my holisay Im going to be me. Single on a discovery trip. No men no girl companions ( at a later date..of course) and no walk of shame..well lets face it with a frizzy afro like mine I rock the messy dishevelled look daily..So now to decide WHERE. Greece appeals. Been there and its great in May..I like the idea of Mkyonos..but I think I might be wrong but ‘shirley Valentine’ (as in the movie) took her solo break there so let’s not allow tourists and locals to get their violins or mandolins out.
Another Island???? Lets see whats available. .this week yes Im that keen..let you know…
Im all over the place. I just feel lost. Like I need to rediscover me. Who I am? What I want. I always fill my tune helping others and I cant even help myself. I dint know how. I don’t know what I want. I just opened the cupboard and everything fell the cereals a couple of plates and my kitchen a messed. I cant tidy it. I cant do it. Its not me not to but there s no point. Who for?? Nooones coming to visit. I live alone. And I don’t care right now. In fact I want to help make it messier and smash a plate or 10. But I won’t!!! The fact I want to worries me. I need a holiday. Its overdue. A break. A rest. Relax. RELAX. I don’t do that. Not since the break up. I will. I will go to a remote place. A beach. A hideaway. Therefore I have to relax because I will be alone with nowhere but a remote destination. In doing it. Im going. Finding me again….
Last night my dear friend probed me…like a friend should asking why I’m forcing…yes forcing myself to date..It hit me hard. I got tearful cos I know where shes going. My breakup last year blindsided me just when I got my new house after 17 years and was planning a baby with him. I painted a possible nursery. My boyf just took off without warning for a couple of weeks and I got thrown out of my house and my career in a shared business with him. I never knew until his return but he went on a 5 star holiday to Mexico with my friend who I had just employed and got her N.I number. I gave her a new life in the UK from Hungary. She gad a lively room at mine. They both took this holiday together and simply she took away my life. Neither of them apologised. I lost my life and health. Since that day Feb 14 last year I have had issues. I don’t relax I don’t sit down. I cant even sit on my sofa and watch TV. I have anxiety if I stop and think. I don’t deserve to relax I need to rebuild my life all over. I’m 35. It was a shock. I’m still in that situation. I am trying to date now and rush things and find the one. I believe in love still.
Another night in bed alone..its been over year..since Valentines 2013..(night of my breakup)..feels like Groundhog day..a deja vu..everynight rolls into one. A lonesome bed is great when Im eating crisps and the crumbs go awry but I would swap for cuddles and laying next to the one I love for comfort. Its honestly on these dark rainy nights I feel alone and sometimes scared..scared of how long I will be in this situation not just alone but.. well my story is more enormous and heart rendering than I have so far shared. I will touch upon these issues eventually. But I can barely comprehend them myself. So at some point I will adhere to it in more depth. Anyway as I live in a converted convent I may be better off without a bed buddy. I think the Catholic girl in me may feel guilty. MAY.FEEL. GUILTY.
Well Goodnight to you all. Hope yours is more eventful. In a nice way X